My Favorite Things: a version for seniors

New lyrics for Julie Andrews' old song

To commemorate her 78th birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall  for the benefit of the AARP.  One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things'  from the legendary movie 'The Sound Of Music'.  Here are the lyrics she used:

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',  
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

HUMOR . . . GROANERS

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN . . .

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean..

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls that all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100K worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

POLITICAL HUMOR WITH A GREAT DEAL OF TRUTH

I can't vouch for the accuracy of all these quotations which were emailed to me by a friend, but they're so much fun I figured, "Why bother checking Snopes?"

This is election year in the US, Russia , China, France , Egypt , Mexico, Taiwan, Venezuela, Kuwait and about 30 other countries around the world, so the following quotes are in order: We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone. Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton, American actor/writer Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism." The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. AND The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. ~P.J. O'Rourke, American comedian and writer. I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them". ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.. A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981) The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Variously attributed to Will Rogers and George Bernard Shaw

PARAPROSDOKIAN: HERE IS THE DEFINITION

"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

___

Submitted by Jim Urban, class of 1961

Advertisements seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper:

---------------------------------------------------- FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. ---------------------------------------------------- LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. ---------------------------------------------------- SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. ---------------------------------------------------- WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. ---------------------------------------------------- BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes. ---------------------------------------------------- MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. ---------------------------------------------------- MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. -------

Author unknown. Submitted by Barbara Wittenberg Taylor.

This is dedicated to John Koehler '60 and his wife Pat who live in The Villages.

HUMOROUS PROVERBS

1. A day without sunshine is like... Night.

2.. On the other hand... You have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK... So what is the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

______

Proverbs provided by Larry Bory, class of 1960

AGING: CAN YOU RELATE TO ANY OF THESE?

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.


'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN....

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

You are not sure these are jokes.

________

Marilyn Monsrud Frese, class of 1963, posted in Facebook, "When I was a kid I wanted to be older, but this shit was not what I expected!"

THE JOYS OF RETIREMENT IN FLORIDA

Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on the Florida coast - The Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-A-Hatchee. There are 3,000 lakes in Florida. Only three are real.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a half hour on the check-out line and one hour to return the item the next day.

Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning 'Walk and Talk Club.' There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask Me About My Grandkids' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.

Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Sam's Club to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hairnets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctors appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.

We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 PM, because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Sweet-and-Low along with mints.

At 5:30 PM we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 PM we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.

Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in subzero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until you're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet tall and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers.

The hoop is only 4.5 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.

It's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live? Murray 's Condos or The Lakes of Venice? There's no difference. They're both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheapskate.

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa on Boynton Beach .
____________
Forwarded to your blogger by David Amster, class of 1963. Author unknown.

Humor for your weekend: A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition:

"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

Ok, so now enjoy!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

31. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

32. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

33. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

34. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

35. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas.

36. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

37. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

38. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
_______________________

Author unknown to your blogger.

QUESTIONS CONCERNING RETIREMENT

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: Nuts

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, nothing ... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
____________________

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

AUTHORS UNKNOWN

A senior citizen lost in the high-tech world: I don't tweet but I do toot a lot

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran
with 1,800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes
videos, pictures, and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their
spouses, 13 grandkids and two great grand kids could communicate with me
in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter
with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix, and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything
except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not
ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get
lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I
keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Bluetooth [it's red]
phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was
standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in
the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid
out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside
that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a
long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say,
"Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was
like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh
and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a
right turn instead…well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the
cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for four years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up
every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle
on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I
check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth
reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take
them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I
just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual" Then it's their
turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do toot a lot."
_______________________________________-
Email forwarded by a friend.